Christmas Top 10

The following is personal opinion and is of course subject to debate should you feel strongly enough to do so.

There may be one or two controversial omissions, but this is entirely based on movies I have actually seen, as I am not very well placed to comment favourably or otherwise on those I am yet to.

Also, these are in no particular order. Just 10 of my favourite Christmas movies.


THE MUPPET'S CHRISTMAS CAROL

The Muppets before I began to find them irritating. Also the first time I had seen Michael Cane in a movie. Saw this one at the cinema when it came out and never fails to transport me to my childhood as the snowy rooftops support the opening credits.


DIE HARD

"Ho ho ho. Now I have a machine gun." Because none of us are ever going to experience a Christmas Eve like it.


DIE HARD 2

Same premise as the first one and still enjoyable. Christmas is on hold for John McClane as he battles Christmas-ignorant terrorists again.


THE GRINCH

Jim Carrey wearing another green facial prosthetic and delivering a truly bonkers performance. A poignant message that sticks with me regarding 'the true spirit of Christmas' which we could all do with being reminded of from time to time.


JINGLE ALL THE WAY

"Put that cookie down! NOW!", "I'm not a pervert!" and punching a reindeer. Enough said.


ELF

In my humble opinion, one of Will Ferrell's best films. Truly silly and featuring the 'World's Best Coffee'.


THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

This is a great movie for both Christmas and Halloween and is still a true marvel in technical achievement. It is impossible to ignore the level of refinement in stop-motion animation before the likes of Pixar and Dreamworks swamped the market.


SCROOGED

One of the first Christmas movies I ever saw. As already mentioned, any film that transports me to my childhood is an instant winner and this does just that. A timeless tale retold in a typically Bill Murray way and you cannot fail to find yourself watching and saying over and again (even if you have seen it before) "That guy (or woman) is in it?!"


THE GREMLINS

Who didn't want a Gizmo for Christmas after this? Hilarious picture an an inexplicably under-protected small town that nearly missed Christmas in all the chaos.


EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS

Not an obvious Christmas movie (aside from the fact it is nearly always shown sometime in December) but one that is set around the festive season and is always an enjoyable watch, if nothing else for the terrible attempt to age Winona Ryder, and her dreadful 'old lady' voice at the end.

Nude Nuns With Big Guns [2010]

When you watch a lot of movies, there are occasionally times when you become exposed to something a bit nonsensical but strangely gripping. This is one such movie. Though I should state that really it is not 'strange' as to why I was gripped. The title says it all. And leaves very little to the imagination. 'It does exactly what it says on the tin!' to coin a well known and massively over-used phrase.

'Nude Nuns With Big Guns' is as descriptive as a title could be. There are nude nuns. Though disappointingly, I have seen bigger guns. Don't get me wrong, the guns aren't petite; but I had a preconception of comically over-sized weaponry, the sort that might be used on a Navy battle cruiser to remove the threat of enemy fighter jets, or perhaps a mini-gun wielded wildly from the hip cutting everything in sight in half. The guns that do feature are lavishly decorated and are the shiniest aspect of an otherwise grimy and dirty picture.

This is (I will assume without looking further into the matter) a low-budget modern film, described in some quarters as a 'nunsploitation' piece. When considering this in hind-sight, this is not a bad description as there are many similarities between the make-up of this and films such as Foxy Brown of the 'blacksploitation' pieces. It is essentially a woman scorned, seeking revenge for her adversary's wrong doings, created with limited means and hitting as hard as it can in the circumstances. For me, a true mark of any cost cutting picture, is the detail (or lack thereof) in the violence. Throughout there are obvious tricks used to attempt a seamless transition in the action, such as cutting from one view to another when a knife is thrust into the chest of a gang member, or a split second camera cut between a gun shot and a close up of a bullet wound in the middle of the forehead. Despite the obviousness of these details, things move smoothly and you don't have long to dispute visual effects before something else is happening.

The story is kept quite simple. A house of nuns has been corrupted (as has the religious order in the area) and the women are forced to cut cocaine and package it up in small work rooms while dressed only in their head gear. They are governed by the religious leaders (all male apart from the superior) and answer to an Hispanic gang of biker-types who seem to be in charge of everything. On one drug exchange, a nun inexplicably attempts to steal one of the packages, prompting the gang leader to execute 2 of the 3 on the vehicle while the survivor is given to him as a gift and apology from the Father (priest). She is kept in a strip bar/brothel where she is kept high on drugs and forced to perform sex acts for any who are paying (including one of the former priests who decides to punish her at the same time). A witch doctor working for the gang takes pity on her and rescues her from this oppression. She comes round in his care and declares having spoken to God who has given her a mission to carry out, upon which she shoots the elderly man with the guns he has given her to help in her plight, before escaping and going on a drawn out rampage.

I may have spoilt the plot for anyone willing to watch this movie, but rest assured this is not a film to watch for its story. This is only a secondary concern. With its largely Hispanic cast, this feels a similar prospect to 'El Mariachi', 'Desperado' and 'Once Upon A Time In Mexico', though not nearly as well made. What this film has (and in abundance) is violence, boobs and lesbianism galore (though little full frontal nudity) with a sprinkling of interracial rape. I can only describe it as borderline fetish and probably not a piece to watch if you are the average female. Women, aside from being the lead character and successful vigilante assassin, are largely degraded throughout.

It feels wrong to admit to being entertained by this movie, but I was. There is so much boob I will need to try and Google the boob statistics; loads of slapstick violence, gun play and a totally ridiculous finale and happy ending for the protagonist. What's not to like?

I have intentionally attempted to keep the accompanying imagery as non exploitative as possible. If you want the harder stuff, watch the movie! (Available on Netflix)

3/5 (mainly for the amount of boob)  

Drag Me To Hell [2009]

I woke with a sense of disparagement. It was a Thursday morning. There was no obvious cause for this mood. There were, as can always be said, many insignificant reasons as to a foul taste, but with some consideration, none seemed a suitable enough cause, neither singularly nor collectively. It was perhaps, just 'one of those days'. I am familiar with them. At my age I have experienced a great many. However, as a man, I harbour a reluctance to admit to myself that I, like all of man-kind, can be governed by my emotions.

This was the pattern of my day until I watched Drag Me To Hell. I am unsure what it says about my character, that a movie with such a title should be what cheers me up and rouses me from my melancholy, but this is an amusing motion picture.

From the outset, I found myself ticking off the Sam Raimi signatures, evident in most of his work; though I will need to watch this one back to check for Bruce Campbell. His trademark auto-mobile can be seen parked at the home of the gypsy woman; there is a liberal use of traditional special effects accompanied by more contemporary digital enhancements; the soundtrack and score, where it doesn't follow a typical horror genre format, lightens the mood and comes across as almost pantomime-like. It is difficult, without research, to make claims at Raimi's intention, but Drag Me To Hell certainly does not come across as a serious, dark, supernatural fright-fest and seems deliberately tongue-in-cheek.

Alison Lohman plays the lead, a slim, blonde all-american type from the country (farm land more precisely) who is struggling to break free of her 'chubby' youth and make it in a city bank, competing with an arrogant male compatriot for a managerial position whilst attempting to impress the overly snobbish parents of her professorial boyfriend, played by Justin Long. Will she crack under the pressure to get ahead or perform a moral good-deed for a struggling old gypsy woman, unable to pay the mortgage on her home of 30 years? Of course, there would be no tale of battling with a gypsy curse if she were to be a good Samaritan. Though it could be pointed out that a 'gypsy' should not have been living in a 'house' for as long as she claimed to be, and equally that her reaction to the situation was entirely unreasonable, however much at one time or another we have all felt a flash of anger towards an employee within a financial service.

This is essentially the depth of the plot and I will attempt not to spoil too much of what follows. If you are a fan of horror (as I would claim to be) you will be familiar with the array of standard issue tools and rules to achieve a jump/squeal/gasp or two from the viewer and the typical use of score to build tension. These and the usual faux-jumps, stereotypical characters and vaguely nonsensical occurrences are evident meaning that this movie does not disappoint.

Do not expect to be genuinely afraid though. Talking, possessed goats, screaming incarnations of a deceased old lady on an outdated mobile phone screen and being slapped by a shadow-spirit in broad daylight happen and are just highly amusing. Justin Long and Alison Lohman are less than convincing characters, 'he' being a typical 'smarty-pants' about nothing in particular (by this I mean to say he is a professor but shows frequent naivety and selective stupidity in order to remain unaware of his girlfriend's paranormal issues) while 'she' displays few moments of fear in favour of a child-like curiosity. Rather than this being a negative detail, for me it worked in favour of the narrative, keeping the pace regulated, the laughs coming and ones empathy for the leading lady at arms length. Whereas in my previous review of Gravity, I made the point that caring for the demise of Sandra Bullock was pivotal in the film's success, this piece doesn't need this level of rapport. Here it doesn't matter what happens to whom. Each character is as likeable as they are detestable. Each in their own way does something they shouldn't, for the benefit of themselves or to the detriment of another. This lack of purity (which is arguably the one horror genre staple missing from this conforming piece) works delightfully in favour of the entertainment.

Worth watching for the effects. A pretty decent horror to watch with a girlfriend or family. If you liked Raimi's Evil Dead or Army Of Darkness, or Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow perhaps, then this is one to add to your list (if you compile such things).

4/5

Gravity [2013]

I felt much less than my preferred sense of anticipation going into this movie. Generally speaking I'm not a big fan of either lead here (though I have enjoyed a good few Clooney flicks on DVD/TV of late) and don't know enough of director Cuaron's work to arouse my excitement. That being said, post-Gravity experience, I have made the effort to attain more information and note his involvement in various projects that I thoroughly enjoyed (Pans Labyrinth, Y Tu Mama Tambien, Children Of Men & Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban) in his relatively modest body of work.

It should also be mentioned from the outset that Gravity will not appeal to all and certainly not those anti-Hollywood-Blockbuster-cinema-goers, for despite Cuaron's perceived mainstream anonymity, this is a big budget, talk-of-awards blockbuster with two big Hollywood stars at its epicentre. BUT... if you are a lover of cinema; a lover of leaving the house, travelling, sitting in large foam-backed seats, with arm rests for oversized soda drinks, big paper bags of popped corn, huge screens, loud noises and sharing the experience in an unspoken manner with a large group of strangers, then this film is a must see. It shouldn't be approached only as a movie, but as an experience.

The tone is immediately set with a bone shuddering instrumental that grows in power and impact, gradually and smoothly climbing to almost unbearable heights until...! Instant silence. A silence so loud it could have been the crescendo that you would be excused in thinking was coming. This cleverly used juxtaposition of volume and silence reflects much of the film; its staggeringly beautiful visual depiction of the space station's orbit of the Earth and the bleak nothingness, so obviously devoid of life, while the main protagonists discuss tales of events and relationships on the life-giving planet beside them. For me, this theme ran strongly and with great effect throughout. Reverberating, IMAX loudness and utter silence; detailed natural/scientific beauty and man-made, crisp destruction; perfect calm and breathless panic. No obvious grey area. Simplification of black or white in a balanced and delicate fabrication of an alien (not literally) event.

For all its great work and attention to detail, Gravity is not without fault (what movie is?) and in true sci-fi style it takes elements of what we know (or could find out) to be true and with use of artistic license, manipulates the laws of physics and likelihood to maintain the ebb and flow of the plot. (See: http://www.forbes.com/sites/quora/2013/10/17/what-does-a-real-astronaut-think-of-gravity/ for an informative response to the reality of space walks)
Without going into too deep a monologue about humanity and its lack of definitive knowledge on 'all things' and self-righteous position to incorrectly declare something 'impossible' or not, this, like others in the sci-fi genre is a work for the purpose of entertainment and it was the decision of the vast team that made it, to pay attention to certain details and make things as plausible (or not) as they saw fit, for their creation to work; and as stated by former astronaut Garrett Reisman, should be treated as such.

Gravity is, in a manner of speaking, a disaster thriller, with a tiny cast, little dialogue and arguably the most superb special effects and use of 3D-IMAX technology to date. It is a hugely immersive experience with the camera work swapping between POV of Dr. Ryan Stone and its smoothly oscillating third person view of the action, mimicking the gravity-less motion of an object in space. There is never a still moment; barely time to catch breath and an unerring sense of inclusion in what translates as a simply terrifying occurrence. Unlike other big sci-fi flicks, the temptation to deviate is avoided. You don't once see a cut to 'Houston on the ground' nor a wide panning shot of machinery exploding or vaporising in the void. At the heart of the 'disaster' aspect is a very basic premise: a chain reaction of debris is hurtling at unimaginable speeds round the orbit of the Earth and threatens to destroy anything in its path. In another film, this could easily be treated as a less significant event in a greater, more complex plot line (imagine an entire episode of the Star Wars saga based around one woman's struggle to survive when the Death Star is destroyed) but Cuaron makes it the focus; and rightly so.

For the eagle-eyed (and slightly geeky) there are lots of interesting  and sometimes questionable details that are infinitely more entertaining in 3D, such as the apparent abundance of pens on space stations that regularly float across the screen whilst trailing a flustered female doctor in tight shorts and tank-top; or the water droplet/bubble that bursts and leaves a mark on screen while in a third person view. There is a welcome moment of comic relief when Dr. Stone references Wall-E and uses a fire extinguisher to stabilise her trajectory and make her way to the Chinese space station. A moment of resourcefulness from a character that grows in strength from the time we are first introduced to her as an inexperienced hospital doctor with no fully explained reason for being present on a mission that Clooney has a bad feeling about.

Throughout this exhausting fight for survival-against-the-odds, death rears its head time and again, each time in a slightly differing way, encouraging us, the viewer, to side with and care about the demise of Sandra Bullock (who for me can get somewhat annoying, but perhaps that is a previous character hangover I'm unable to shake at times). In movies such as this, siding with the lead, liking them, relating to them is of the utmost importance, otherwise (as was a criticism of Prometheus) who really cares what happens to the characters. [SPOILER ALERT] Gravity needs you to want Bullock to live and achieves this when you see everyone die around her after learning she also 'had' a little girl back on Earth. Even when she attempts to give up and control 'when and how' she dies after admitting her fear at knowing 'today' would be the day she died, you side with her, empathise with her realisation and forgive her for wanting to go painlessly while being sung to 'sleep' by a doting father, singing his baby to sleep, picked up on a radio frequency.

You might be one of those cinema goers that enjoys a final twist at the very end, such as when an Alien hybrid bursts from the chest of one of the Predators in AVP, or the moment of realisation in Seven Pounds when you learn the final part of Will Smith's plan for redemption, but this movie will disappoint in that department. I would be lying if I stated I wasn't sat prepared for one last twist in the final moments after Bullock flirts with death once or twice more before hauling herself from the bank of an Amazon-esq river bank; but no disappointment. Just the chance to exhale.

Boldly, I would say that this is the best piece of cinema I have seen this year, not for its performances, script or complexity, but as a cinematic experience that will probably be unrivalled for some time to come. Highly recommended here and goes some way to providing evidence that 3D movies can work if dealt with correctly.

5/5